LYRICS:

What, who the fuck are you?
Why didn't you let me die?
I can't take another year of
Eating pound-shop mince pies

It's me, the God of Thunder
I go by the name of Zeus
I was just out riding the lightning
When I heard the news

There's a strange ominous figure and he's posing as you
Decimating Christmas and corrupting the youth
He's divesting the planet of its diversity of toys
Nothing but Lynx Africa for all the girls and boys

Well, why should I give a fuck?
I've lost the respect of my elves
The boomers, zoomers, millennials
And most of all, myself

I'll tell you why you should care
Because the Santa Claus I know
Would never give up on anything
Or leave anyone out in the snow

Time is fleeting, and the darkness tempts us all
Your hardships and experience give you the wherewithal
Mrs Claus' heart would snap just like a hollow bone
If she saw the way you've been acting up, now come on let's get you home

Millions of people around the globe are reporting to have received their presents from Santa this year already
The presents have all been variations of the not so popular Lynx Africa brand of the established men's grooming products owned by Unilever
The reasoning at this time is unknown as to why the presents are being sent out early, unwrapped and equally shit
Alan Jope, the CEO of Unilever, has commented saying no business deal was ever made with Santa
And that he denies any knowledge of his products being supplied to the north pole
The International Standards Association of Jolliness are currently investigating the situation
And more will be announced as the story unfolds

There's something funky in the air this season
The bitter winds a new kind of cold
No carol singers and there must be a reason
Festivities are at an all time low

What's the deal? Why's this chill so haunting?
I'm shivering and shaking from a draught so exhausting
Will we survive the night?
Overreacting or am I right?
Will the differences be set aside
Or simply liquified

Through dark and stormy weather
White Christmas is forever
If we're not here together
Red Snow consumes the world

I can't keep it together
I need you more than ever
And I don't mean just December
We need the sleigh-bells ringing

I've become the poster child of the naughty list
My sense of purpose is a fading memory
I'm so sorry I lost my cool
Since I lost you I felt such a fool
So that's why we have to risk it all to
Stand up tall and fight

Through dark and stormy weather
White Christmas is forever
If we're not here together
Red Snow consumes the world

I can't keep it together
I need you more than ever
And I don't mean just December
So let the sleigh-bells ring

Santa
Elf
Come on, to save Christmas we need to find this Evil Santa and destroy him
I said yes, what more do you want?
We'll need a plan
Already got one, two litres-worth actually
What on Earth?
Look, remember Project Greenbeam?
Of course, we'll - urgh, you reek of booze; you're not drunk are you?
Well, I may have had a few sherries for but everything has gone to shit now; are we going do this or not?
To the hangar

When I was just a little boy
All the other children got bitchin' toys
But not me, all I received
Was Lynx Africa and no receipt

You dirty scum will finally pay
Christmas is cancelled as of today
I'm feeling mean, a little bit extreme so
Get fucked by my guitar laser beams

Christ on a bike, he's trying to escape through a black hole
Well not on my watch, Sonny-Jim
Elf, boost thrusters to one hundred percent
But Santa, what if we don't make it?
Look, just fuckin' trust me, all right?
And switch the photon lasers to thall; I know a djent album cover when I see one

Santa, his shields are down - the time to strike is now
All right, let's hit him with both barrels, old chap
Charge the gauss cannon, hold on to your beards - ready - fire

It doesn't matter what's under the christmas tree
If you can't be there with your friends
You can't have snowball fights or race down a hill
If you're the only kid who has a sled

Things aren't always what they seem to be
The times we shared will stay with us to keep

Let's all get cunted and go out on a jolly
Pills and pints till we're trolleyed
Proper fucked on Christmas

Three tabs of acid, too much coke 'til we're flaccid
But there's one thing for certain
We'll be fucked with our friends on Christmas Day